I was never sure I had it in me -- love, that is. Could I fully give myself to someone? Could I put my faith in someone and KNOW I could get hurt?

I met this guy. He tore up my world. I fell in love. I fell in love before he did. It's been a crazy past few months... it has. But I've loved. And hopefully now I'm being loved.

I'm just SO SCARED. Even still. I've never felt so happy. I've never been with anyone where it felt RIGHT. I've never had this amazing feeling. I'm so scared to lose it. I feel like he's the one... through the good and the bad, I want to be by his side.

This is not my most well-written post by any means.... but it IS my most heart felt one. Because my heart has never felt anything like this before.

Whenever I have a problem, I try to overcome it. When I know I have some negative personality trait, I try to overcome it. With that being said, I realized something this week. It makes me wanna kick myself in the ass. Is that even possible? Not physically. Mentally, yes.

I have a need for other people's approval. It's not INTENSE and it's not as bad as it could be. I guess I have a need for CERTAIN people's approval.... like my parents, people of status, guys I find attractive....

How do I get over this? Why do I need to live up to other people's standards? I'm afraid to let anyone down. I want people to be impressed by me. Ugh. This has been one of my major downfalls from the very start...I'm just seeing this now.

My goal for this next week? ...To not give a damn.

I seriously need to quit caring what people think.

There are some things that make me happy. Those are the things I stopped doing.

I stopped after I had my son; I became a mommy. I was just a mommy. I wasn't me. I realized I can be ME and a MOMMY.

I like to wear cute clothes, high heels, and dye my hair. I stopped dressing nice, didn't wear high heels for years, and I haven't dyed my hair since a year before I had my son. In the past six months, I've started wearing cute clothes again and bought some new heels. Today I bought my first box of hair dye in years. I love to experiment with hair colors and switch up my look.

I love writing. I stopped writing. The most I would write would be for English class at college. I started blogging again and it feels amazing.

I used to take pictures all of the time. I have a huge scrapbook from high school. I haven't really taken many photos since then, even with having a baby. Do you know what I'm going to start doing this week? I'm going to take pictures. I'm going to take pictures to remember these days, these times, and to capture the memories.

At least through this all, I have never stopped laughing. Perhaps the laughter has kept me going. Laughter may be all that I need, but one can never be too happy.

The other night I went to O'Charley's with a friend and sat at the bar. I managed to consume ONE drink and felt all floaty. Kind of sad. Even more sad, I can't remember what I drank. It was something with pineapple, cherry, and grenadine? I did chug it down. It'd been a long week.

We went back to my friend's house to watch a few movies. He locked his dog in the bathroom when I first walked in so the dog wouldn't jump all over me. When he decided to take his dog for a walk, I opted out of going since it was icy cold outside. (This weather is insane. It's after Easter! I want to wear sandals!) The dog completely destroyed the bathroom in a matter of minutes. The toilet paper was completely shredded. He ate a poster that was on the wall. He even ripped up part of the floor. Nice. Slight problem...the dog ate the toilet paper. My friend was walking the dog. And I had to pee REALLY bad.

I ended up looking in the closet that was in the bathroom in hopes of finding toilet paper. You want to know what I found? No...no... DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I FOUND?

I found no less than 50 empty toilet paper rows that were lined up on their very own shelf. I did happen to find a new pack of toilet paper... but I also stood there for around 20 seconds staring at the empty toilet paper roll collection.  What was he using them for? Craft projects? Hahah...Maybe if it was a woman I would have believed crafts. That's the only thing that came to mind. No, I didn't ask him why, because I didn't want him to think I was snooping or for him to be embarrassed of his quirky hobby. I know I wasn't tipsy enough to hallucinate, haha. WHY WOULD YOU SAVE 50 EMPTY TOILET PAPER ROLLS? Please, someone tell me. I need theories on this.

I have only FELT fireworks one time in my life. It's a cliche term, but describes my feelings perfectly. I kissed one of my friends and I have never in my life ever felt the way I felt when I kissed him. The problem is that he acts like a jerk 75% of the time and lives 2 hours away. Rules that one out.

WHY can't I find fireworks again? Now I feel like I'm just "settling" when I kiss someone. It never makes me feels as good. It always leaves me wanting something more. I'd almost rather have nothing if I can't have that feeling. Kissing him seemed like more than just a kiss. I hope there's someone else out there who knows what I'm talking out. It was no ordinary kiss...and I worry I may never feel that way ever again.

Have you felt fireworks? Do you think love/liking someone is satisfying even without the fireworks?


PS - I used to be a serial kisser. So around 30 guys or so that I've kissed, only ONE has been totally AWESOME. Those are NOT the best odds, is it?

Someone once told me, "Never tell a stranger your fears". Not only do strangers read this blog, but soon they will all know my GREATEST fear.

I have a very, very selfish fear, but it scares me all the same. I try to overcome it. I try to forget about it completely. Deep inside, I can't COMPLETELY let go of this fear.

I'm afraid I'll die without anyone knowing me completely and loving me completely. I want someone to know everything about me, the good and the bad, and love me for it all just the same.

My parents don't really love me. First off, my dad. He always told me he loved me, yet he never showed it. He can't even remember my college major. He knows nothing about me. My mom tells me she loves me, but I imagine it's because she sees that its her "duty" to. She freely admits she doesn't like me as a person. I don't live up to her standards.

I have friends, I do. I've drifted away from quite a few of them. Most of my male friends want me to be more than just a friend. There really isn't anyone that I'm really close to.

I'm alone. I have acquaintances. I have people to talk to. Inside I'm all alone. No one knows me. No one knows my hopes, dreams, loves, hates, past, present, etc. No one knows, no one cares. No one asks.

Sure, I'm young still. Perhaps one day someone will care, right? I'm not sure I'll live past being young. I have a lot of health issues I'd rather not discuss here. I'm so afraid of laying in that hospital bed for a final time and really no one being at my side. I'd be one less soul in the world, and no one would notice, no one would care.

I'm selfish. I want someone to truly, deeply, love me for me. I'm afraid no one ever will.

Today had the makings of a lovely day. I actually had money to spend and the mall was calling my name. The little man even had a early nap, which I was sure would make for a halfway peaceful mall trip. I packed up my dear son's sippy cup, bottle, crackers, some other snacks, etc. The toddler seemed in a good mood which always makes mama be in a good mood... I was sure I could at least spend a couple hours shopping and even better, BUYING!

First, his stroller wouldn't fold up. It's been sitting outside for a week open, so I thought maybe the weather might have done something to the hinges where it didn't wanna close. After 10 minutes of squeezing, punching, and bending, the stroller magically started working.

Once we got to the mall, my lovely son decided to start crying....only when we went into a store. He wanted to be a big baby, and his bottle calmed him for a few minutes. Of course mama wanted to look at shoes and little boy didn't like that too much, especially since I was trying to stick his fat foot into shoes... none of which fit him. He'd cry and fight to get out of his stroller except when we were in the middle part of the mall. As soon as we entered a new shop, he'd squirm and whine.

I thought we could make it at least 30 minutes. Normally he's distracted with a snack. I'm SURE the retail employees loved seeing his apple juice sippy cup threw about 20 feet across the store, along with him screaming and throwing cheese crackers at me. Food & drink aren't even allowed in stores. I was hoping they'd understand that this was the only form of a muzzle I had. I was squating down in the back corner of the mall looking through his diaper bag when an associate asked if I was doing okay... which was probably code for seeing if I was stealing something. I told her I was just trying to find something to quieten him.

You think it's irritating hearing kids out somewhere screaming? Imagine being the parent(s). All I want to do is spend some money, buy some clothes, etc. It's hard for me to get a babysitter to go on a date, much less go shopping. Little man has to come along, and it's not pretty.... trust me... it's embarrassing to have the whole store giving you the evil eye while my baby throws a fit.

I don't know what I was thinking, but we went into one more store. We were in the back, looking at clearance, because I'm a cheapo. I heard a loud THUD. I look, and baby is missing a shoe. Surely it was the shoe that dropped to the floor, but where could it be? I pulled clothes aside and looked underneath the jeans... I couldn't find the shoe. Panic. I look everywhere within a 10 foot distance one more time... it's way back underneath the jean rack. I don't know how that's even possible, but there was his shoe. I had to get down on my hands and knees and CRAWL underneath the whole jean rack display.  Mind you I'm wearing a dress which keeps hanging down in the front and of course coming up in the back... I mooned about 30 people but at least I had on leggings. Oh, and I retreived his shoe after putting on a spectacle for everyone.

I took off his other shoe thinking maybe his shoes were making him a grouch. The toddler starts SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER. I tried to calm him down and put my hand over his mouth for a split second to tell him to be quiet... oops... I guess everyone looking was probably thinking I was gonna smother him. Great. The only thing left to do is to pick him up out of his stroller. He then clings to me like a koala bear. There were all kinds of cute dresses for $8.99. Mama can't resist. Of course he weighs about 30 pounds...I had to put him down for a second. He took off running. I picked him up and he started screaming AGAIN. Repeat this about 5 times before I just grab 3 dresses and head off to pay. I was carrying a 30 pound toddler, pushing his heavy stroller, and holding the dresses.

Once we paid, little mister was acting like an angel. I let him stand in front of me while I paid. As soon as I put the change back in my wallet, he RAN as fast as he could out of the store. I left my purse, the stroller, everything at the counter as I ran out of the store and into the mall area to catch him. Of course he starts screaming again.

I locked him back in his stroller and headed to the car where he happily drank his bottle and was quiet. Oh, thanks. Now he's quiet. It was super windy outside, my hair was flying all over my face, I was trying to keep my dress pulled down, and his heavy stroller doesn't ever want to go straight. Yep, I about ran into a car...a parked car.

Through this whole ordeal, I'm holding back having to go pee. Haha. I reallllllly had to go. I had no idea where the bathrooms were in the mall (obviously we don't go that much!). I hated trying to find one, find a handicap stall so the stroller could come in too, then listen to the baby scream in a lovely ECHO thanks to the acoustics of the bathroom. So through the screaming, struggling, running, etc. I was holding back having to go SO bad, which of course intensified my experience. ;)

We left the mall, and I was starving and thirsty. Mostly thirsty. I could run into the grocery store...but having to haul the baby boy in too? No thanks. McDonalds has any size drink for $1. I decided to get 2 large Diet Cokes, one with no ice, so I could just refill the other one when I drank it. Viola. No getting back out. Great plan, right?

I got my order and drove off. Mr. No Ice Diet Coke decides to fall over into the floorboard as I turned at a green light. I managed to catch it before it all spilled... but almost all did spill.....ALL OVER my floor board in the passenger side! Not only did I waste a perfectly good dollar and perfectly AWESOME Diet Coke, but I also managed to have left all my school books in the passenger side floorboard. These weren't just ANY school books. These were ones for this next quarter... that I was planning on returning to the school book store. I found I could buy them online for at least $60 cheaper per book. I was going to return them next week.... and guess what? The pages were all penetrated with Diet Coke. No saving them. Now I can't return them, I'm not even sure some of it is even legible. I got them good.

UGH.

And I was sitting here, typing, complaing, and eating my "McDouble" (how crappy that they deprive us of the extra slice of cheese now)...I found a HUGE FUZZ BALL IN MY CHEESEBURGER! Even worse? I continued eating it...because I guess I already found the prize.

[This blog is featured on datingish!!! YAY!! And I think the views are messed up, majorly. ]

Why do so many people let romantic relationships control their happiness? A lot of people I know have to have a love interest, otherwise they are sad, depressed, the world is ending, etc. I used to be one of these poor suckers too and my life feels so much more fulfilling now that I dropped the idea that I NEEDED a man.

You know what relationships have always brought me? Heartache. I started off sad, not wanting to be alone. A man came along and we had a whirlwind romance. It ended…back to the heartache. I started to wonder why I placed so much importance on finding true love. That’s when I started to look around me at the other people in my life. From day one, everyone had always put importance on finding a good man, getting married, living happily ever after. It’s accepted that you start off as Cinderella, Prince Charming finds you…and no one ever mentions that Cinderella doesn’t exist.

I have several friends who are constantly sad. Why? They say they’re lonely. I imagine they tell all their friends how lonely they are. What is the cause of this loneliness? Oh, they’re single. Wait…so being single is depression worthy? How can you be lonely when you have friends who listen to your constant moping and complaining? It makes me feel like I don’t count. By the way they talk, the only thing that matters in their life is having that “special someone”.  An excuse I’ve heard for wanting a man is that they didn’t want to grow old alone. Girl, I’m going to be there for you no matter what. You cry? I’ll be by your side. You’re in the hospital? I’ll be right there. When you get that big bonus at work for being so fabulous? I’m going to go out to dinner with you & help you spend it. When that loser breaks your heart? I’m going to help you through it. Friends, baby! That’s why you have friends, so you’re never alone!

Did you know there are some really awesome cures out there for loneliness, unhappiness, boredom, and depression? Hobbies! Do you expect your significant other to be a hobby? Do you browse dating sites at 1 AM hoping to find the latest amusement in your life? Get a hobby. No, I’m serious. And hey, you can even go out with your friends! Remember them? You know, the ones you bitch to about being lonely… go out with them. I hear it’s a great cure for loneliness.

Find things that make YOU happy. Find things that don’t depend on you having a man/woman.

As soon as I stopped putting so much importance on finding a man, I found things that made me truly happy: Hearing my son’s laugh and seeing him smile, warm sunny days where it’s not too hot or not too cold, only shaving my legs every other day since no man is going to be rubbing on them!

If you stop whining and stop trying to force relationships…hey, you just might find someone! Because if you don’t stop now, you will scare off your potential love interest with all your depressive talk about how your life sucks because you have no one.

You need to be an independent, self-sufficient person to be able to last in a relationship. Don’t count on ANYONE for your own personal happiness. Just think of how crazy it sounds for you to judge whether the day is going to be good or not depending on if you have a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Are you guilty of this?